Not Every Father Deserves a Day

Father’s day is a social construct that confuses those who are traumatised by features of their father’s behaviour and are trying to set boundaries about how to be treated.

To every person who is conflicted by the sentiments of occasions including Father’s day, stay conflicted. The conflict arises because just like bringing a new baby into the world doesn’t look like a nappy advertisement, every Christmas day doesn’t look like a supermarket banner, many Father’s day experiences can’t be summed up by a greeting card.

The home of the idealised sentiment of how society expects you to feel about people, just because they are related to you.

Many of the patients I cared for over ten years as a busy psychiatrist revisited the effects of traumatic relationships at each time on the event calendar. Many would participate in activities out of guilt and obligation, or family pressure to do the ‘right thing’. In extreme cases, victims of sexual abuse were expected to spend time with perpetrators, to portray the delusion of a happy family that cannot tolerate honesty and consequences, defaulting to secrecy.

Some adolescents who had lived through very acrimonious divorces did not want to spend time with their father on Father’s day, court orders or not. If they did their mental health sometimes paid a price. Months of working on maintaining healthy boundaries in counselling sessions, acknowledging feelings and providing support for the children who have witnessed violence and conflict can be undone with one day of interaction that goes against the development of feelings of self worth, saying no, and being psychologically safe.

Families don’t exist as a social construct to allow members or others to determine obligations. Parents, typically, are authority figures and this can be misused in a family that does not value respect. The adage, “I’m your father, you do what I say”, while they do otherwise sends very strong messages to children eagerly watching to learn from role models. Fathers who demonstrate solid values such as kindness for others, responsibility, let children be children and are consistent with behaviour are the ones who often don’t want a particular day of celebration. Because every day they are most likely engaged in their children’s lives, either by demonstrating behaviour that children can learn from, being physically present and interested in their children’s lives and activities. They are simply ‘there’ if a child wants to share a happy moment, learn something new, or talk about struggles. They cherish every day and respect their role as a father.

We talk a lot about intergenerational trauma. It’s real and the notion we must come together with people who have been abusers confuses and saddens those trying to break cycles from the past. Often they are learning to be better parents to their children, demonstrating new styles of parenting, which often does not come naturally and requires a lot of professional support.

Happy families and perfect houses look that way from the outside

The wish for a father unlike the one they were born to is real and it can be a wound that never really does heal. Idealising other peoples’ fathers is common. Believing that happy families exist behind closed doors of houses you don’t have keys to leads to constant disappointment. Being sad and being strong are much better ways to get through the day.

Some of the things I suggested for former patients who struggle with occasions such as Father’s day were;

Reach out to “Father figures”you may have discovered and. Say Hi, and wish them a happy day

Donate the money you would have spent on a card and generic present, or perhaps a restaurant meal to a charity such as White Ribbon or Emerge Support.

Think about all the things you have achieved despite not having a father that did not have you in mind. That takes a lot of courage.

Recognise the pull of manipulation and obligation, as well as the social construct of everything being perfect. Avoid social media today; it will be full of glamorised photos and messages that share half truths.

Be sensitive on days like Father’s day, turn off your feed if likely to be upset by people’s comments that don’t resonate with your reality.

Watch a happy movie that makes you laugh out loud at dysfunctional families. Change up you reality. My favourite is “Meet the Parents”.

And if your Father’s day is a good one, but you know of a friend who struggles for whatever reason, reach out. Try not to send memes of happy father’s day quotes to your social media feeds that make it hard for others who may be trying so hard to keep strong today.

Practice these skills as much as you can because they apply to so many events on the social calendar. Practice makes perfect. Your reality is just that, your reality. Honour it and the hard work you do to stay authentic.

Dr Helen Schultz is now doing what she wanted to do when she grew up. She is a professional writer, and draws from years of experience as a consultant psychiatrist and avid listener of conversation.

#daysofourminds #howshrinksthink #fathersday #noteveryfatherdeservesaday #healthyboundaries #goodparenting #hallmarkcardfabrications #socialmediamemes #socialmediatriggering #domesticviolence #psychologicalsafety